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Saturday, June 02, 2012

A quick look back at all that

At the time, if I could have known I‘d deny my evangelical faith within a year, I would never have agreed to lead the group of 100 college kids at church camp four years ago. And I would not have chosen to explore the topic of Christian apologetics, because once I delved deeply into it, I was unable to emerge safely.

I didn't agree lightly, and not right away. I consulted with a trusted confidante, who knew something of my spiritual waverings, about planning the conference talks and activities. But it seemed an honor, and I knew I was capable. I was pleased that they'd asked a woman, since only men could be pastors and elders (or even deacons, in many cases) in the Reformed Presbyterian denomination. In the end I said yes.

The program, which I titled "A Reasonable Hope," was aimed at "tackling some of the common doubts and objections that confront our peers and perhaps our own souls with regard to the gospel." Those doubts and objections kept confronting me. They never left. The more I studied in preparation for the conference, the more unsettling the questions became. What once belonged under the more gentle label paradox degenerated in my mind to simply contradiction. And the more I pored over scripture, the more some of its contents troubled me. These observations called into question the idea that the text was inspired, supernaturally imbued with the absolute authority of God. But I had to talk in front of these young people, my juniors by just a few years, and I had a responsibility to convey some shred of confidence.

Most of the speaking I delegated to co-leaders—pastors, in fact. But I did present an introduction to the topic, a 30-minute talk titled "That's a Good Question." Nervous, I planned it out word for word. It concluded with a poem by Emily Dickinson:

How brittle are the Piers 
On which our faith doth tread—
No Bridge below doth totter so— 
Yet none hath such a Crowd.
It is as old as God— 
Indeed—twas built by him 
He sent his Son to test the Plank 
And he pronounced it firm.

Elsewhere, Dickinson writes that if she were to suppose "falsehood" of God, that thought would "undermine the Sill/ To which my Faith pinned Block to Block/ Her Cedar Citadel." I didn't quote that poem during my speech. 

A couple weeks after the conference in 2008 I received a phone call from one of the pastors whom I'd enlisted as a fellow speaker. He said overall the program had gone well, but there was one main thing that he thought needed to change at the next conference. I waited on the other end of the line, ready for him to challenge my positive remarks about postmodernism or to say I seemed a little theologically fragile to be in charge of such a group. But no, he affirmed my organizational and speaking skills. He said I had good things to say. It wasn‘t that. Rather, the very fact of my role as the program coordinator "did not encourage male leadership."

I didn't say anything in response. He continued.

"All the speakers in the adult program were male, and so were the high-school and junior-high speakers," he said. "There's a pattern there, and having the buck stop with you as the primary coordinator of the college program … it just didn't encourage male leadership. I‘m planning to make this known to the conference board, and I didn't want you to hear it secondhand."

I was angry, but I wasn't all that surprised. And his wishes have apparently been granted, so good for him (yes, sarcasm): the 2012 conference website makes sure to list any lady-parts-bearing leads, in any adolescent-or-older age category, only in conjunction with a husband.

In high school I spent two weeks studying theology at the denomination‘s seminary with eight of my peers. There were many sobering lectures and activities, but then there was this--the leader's address, the final one, and it is the one that stuck: "Guys, the main point I want to drive home tonight is that the church needs you. We need you to seriously think about going into the ministry. There are congregations with empty pulpits, without pastors. We need you to strongly consider that calling."

The retreat leader abruptly paused, as though the make-up of his small audience--four teenage males, five teenage females--had suddenly dawned on him. He continued more tentatively: "And ladies, we need you too. We need good pastor's wives."

I see the church of my youth exhibiting not less but more rigidity and certitude and nearsightedness in a world sorely in need of other things, and while that makes me sad and even angry at times, I also feel a great deal of relief. Leaving it three years ago was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but now I'm so glad for the break. I'm not afraid of being honest anymore, and I'm encouraged to contribute to the world whatever I can rather than admonished for those attempts.

15 comments:

Kathy Lee said...

It does seem that the denomination has indeed become more rigid. It is really tragic in some ways, as I think about the gifts of many young women which are not being used. Thank you for writing this.

Kathy Stegall said...

That guy was wrong....just plain wrong.

http://www.scribd.com/rkstegall/d/21614072-Essays-on-the-Biblical-Equality-of-Women-and-Men?in_collection=2336719

I'm glad you can be honest now ... always a good idea. Christianity can bear the brutally honest look. There are many forces in the world that make us fearful of being honest. Keep on being honest. Keep on looking.

I Corinthians 15:14 "And if Christ has not been raised, our preaching is useless and so is your faith. ...
20 But Christ has indeed been raised from the dead,... 58 Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. ..."
2 Timothy 1:7(KJV)
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

I'm glad you've written down this history lesson. It encourages me to stand firm.

Paul Kilpatrick said...

Hey Evie; Glad you're writing what you're writing. You probably know that Shirley and I have left as well and we're very, very happy. When I was young there were many women in leadership roles. The gradual removal of women from teaching, precenting, speaking has been appalling. A wise Puerto Rican woman used to say to me, 'the opposite of faith is not doubt. The opposite of faith is fear.' My sense is that there is a fundamental fear. . . of different, of unknown, of women, of non-whites. You're not alone in your journey.

The Hitchcocks said...

Evie,
I found your blog through my mom (Kathy Stegall). So sorry to hear this story, but also not super surprised. Don't have anything much to say, except that there are good churches and Christians out there who will not treat you that way.
The 2000 RP International Conference kind of did me in, at least as far RP conferences and family camps go. One of the speakers said, flat out, that the only way the Great Commission applies to women is in regard to their children. And the real kicker for me was that no one in my assigned discussion group thought he was wrong.
Again, very sorry.
Christina Hitchcock

Sandra Johns said...

Press on, Evie. Many of us are praying that the Lord will open the eyes of the RPCNA to this error and the pain that it inflicts.

Evie Hemphill said...

Thanks so much for these responses. It's encouraging to hear your thoughts. In recounting the above experiences I don't mean to give the impression that the leadership issue was a primary reason for my departure. (I think that's clear from the context but I feel like I need to reiterate that to be fair. I asked to leave for foundational theological reasons and was promptly questioned and threatened with excommunication, though it did not happen that way in the end.) The women's issue certainly helped pave the way, though. As a fellow ex-rp friend has said, if they marginalize us, we will leave. If they exclude us, we will find a place where we are included. If they don't let us talk we will go somewhere else and shout. Thanks again.

Evie Hemphill said...

Thanks so much for these responses. It's encouraging to hear your thoughts. In recounting the above experiences I don't mean to give the impression that the leadership issue was a primary reason for my departure. (I think that's clear from the context but I feel like I need to reiterate that to be fair. I asked to leave for foundational theological reasons and was promptly questioned and threatened with excommunication, though it did not happen that way in the end.) The women's issue certainly helped pave the way, though. As a fellow ex-rp friend has said, if they marginalize us, we will leave. If they exclude us, we will find a place where we are included. If they don't let us talk we will go somewhere else and shout. Thanks again.

Unknown said...

Hi Evie, I rarely follow social media but today I just happened to see your blog on Google +. Its good to hear from you. Many of us have run into spiritual abuse and been burned by human leaders making up rules and calling it divine law--oh the distortion and pain it causes! My prayer is that God will forgive our offenders just as he has forgiven us. But you say that this is not central to your journey. I haven't talked with you in quite a while and so I guess I'm woundering, in a nutshell, where you "are". I suppose a postmodern point of view can't be very easily put into a "nutshell", so i'll have to stay in touch and read on :)
-Ed

Evie Hemphill said...

Thanks for writing, Ed. I hope you are doing well! In a nutshell, I'm fairly agnostic. Some of my older posts could be useful if you want to know more. Cheers ...

Dean R Smith said...

Hi Evie,
I was directed to your post by a mutual friend. I read your post with great sadness. In recent books David Kinnaman talks about why 15-29 year olds are leaving the church and your kind of experience is a good example. I may differ with some of my female friends who may wish more opennness regarding the eldership, but there is no question in my mind about whether "ministry" is open to all. I will search out some of your earlier posts to gain more about your journey. I still think your theme from the conference is a great one: "That's a good question." We need to allow people to ask the hard questions and to work with them toward the answers. Much affection.
Dean

Evie Hemphill said...

Thanks, Dean. Hope you and Nancy are well! -Evie

Jenny Elaine said...

Really appreciated this post, Evie, although we don't know each other personally. I have a big problem with some regions & congregations' (polite way of saying, specific pastors) views on women in the RP church... Hearing this is really sad, but again, not surprising. There are some who are holding their own by being active women in ministry (and not just RP baby factories and/or Pastor's wives), and I pray that it stays this way!

I for one will not stop speaking my mind on the issue. It is terrible to see the church undo what Jesus did.

Evie Hemphill said...

Jenny, thanks much for reading, and kudos for speaking up about such discrimination in the church as a member of it. I'm impressed by women like you, Kathy Stegall, Faith Martin, and others who manage to live with love in the RP church while also staying true to your serious concerns.

I think it's interesting that in this case at least one RP leader (male) saw fit to ask a woman to lead, while another thought otherwise to the point of calling me/the conference out on it afterward. In other words, it's not as though every leader in the RP church is on the same page here, and I do hope that the momentum will shift back toward greater equality. But so often the status-quo/conservative/oppressive side seems to get what it wants.

Donald Johnson said...

When I hear about those like you who are threatened with the left foot of disfellowship, I think they are responding in fear. Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.

Donald Johnson said...

When I hear about those like you who are threatened with the left foot of disfellowship, I think they are responding in fear. Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.