How you will stand it

Flora at Devils Tower, June 2014

My sweet dad penned a simple yet slightly ominous lullaby for me as a little girl. At the more difficult points in my admittedly limited human experience and relatively easy life, its wistful melody still keeps me company, soothing my anxieties and frustrations:

"It's a hard life, Evie.
It's a bitter life, Mary Eve.
If you're crying now,
Then I don't know how you will stand it,
When the leaves fall in the autumn of your life.
So take good rest tonight."

I did cry frequently, more than earning that particular line. Possibly it was, and is, mostly weakness, a tendency to melancholy. But it seems I'm tuned to live, to stand it, by letting the tears fall freely.

Some people say we're never given more than we can handle, more than we can bear. But I anticipate more. It will come. The leaves fall. Life or the universe or god "stuns you by degrees," Dickinson says, "prepares your brittle nature for the ethereal blow."

But here we are, and I want to try to be brave, even though it hurts (life, that is). This has not been the easiest year in a lot of ways, but I'm grateful for how it has put things in perspective and reminded me of what matters--humor, integrity, kindness, health. Also coffee. And I'm indebted to Joe and understanding friends and family who have helped me keep my head up, even when I've not been much fun. Also the mad catter (the Dash cat man), who somehow manages to be his cuddliest, most attentive self when you're struggling.

"I will hurt you, hurt you, hurt you, says the world, and then a meadow arches its back and golden pollen sprays forth." -Kathryn Davis